In Which We Find K Unit
by DriveItLikeYouStoleIt007
Summary: It's a battle of wills in this story of K Unit vs. Alex and Fiona.
1. In Which We Find K Unit

**Disclaimer: I don't own Alex Rider. I own Otter. But that's it. I know it's not the most original plot idea, but I hope to make it different.**

Alex woke early Saturday morning from the banging on the front door, which could be heard all the way in his room.

He groaned, and pushed himself up, knowing that Jack was going to ignore it, in favor of sleeping a while longer before she had to leave for the airport.

Stumbling down the steps, still groggy, Alex made his way to the door, where whoever (probably Fiona) had stopped banging for a second. Alex looked through the peephole, blinking to focus.

He blinked again to make sure he was actually seeing what he thought he saw.

_Yup._

Alex unlocked the door, throwing it open, just as the person on the other side was raising his fist to bang again. Alex glowered at the men on his front stoop, one hand still on the door.

"Hello, Cub." Eagle bounced in place, smiling brightly at the youth's rather grumpy face.

"What are you doing here?" Alex asked, running a hand through his hair, looking like he was contemplating slamming the door shut.

Wolf, sensing his thoughts (somehow), stepped into the threshold, smirking agreeably into Alex's face.

"We are here to babysit you." A man Alex didn't know—Fox's replacement, presumably—grumbled. Alex raised an eyebrow, blanking out his face, until the only readable emotion was cold curiosity.

"Excuse me?" Alex asked, opening the door wider in invitation. The men stepped through gratefully out of the cold. Alex shut the door and led the way to the kitchen. K Unit followed quietly, taking note of the fact that they were there ridiculously early, and they knew someone else was in the house.

"We're here to . . . guard you." Wolf clarified, while muddling things further. Alex shook his head, confusion making a dent in the space between his eyebrows.

"Why?" Alex hopped up on the island, and gestured for the men to sit at the table.

"Well, your guardian is leaving for America this morning. Some higher ups in MI6 or SAS decided they didn't want you to be alone for two weeks, so they sent us to keep you company." Wolf continued, picking at the fake fruit on the table.

Alex's eyes narrowed in contemplation. Jack was leaving for America for two weeks to help her brother and sister-in-law with their newborn baby, and Alex didn't want to go, this being one of the only times he'd get to spend with Fiona and go to school, before MI6 sent him after another crazy.

So either MI6 didn't believe that's what he's going to spend the adult-supervision-free-fortnight doing, or something else entirely is going on.

Alex glanced at the unknown unit member, raising his brows.

"Cub, this is Otter; Otter, Cub." The redhead nodded to Alex, still appearing upset at the prospect of babysitting a fifteen year old for two weeks. Alex crossed his arms, and frowned.

_If I ask nicely, do ya think Blunt will tell me what the hell is going on?_

Alex certainly didn't think so. He hopped off the counter, already resolving to go to the bank later today, demand answers, and then call Fiona over (assuming she doesn't show up first), and make K Unit's stay both painful and hilarious.

* * *

_Two Hours Later_

"Well, honestly, Alex, I do feel better that you have four SAS men here. Don't give me that face, you know as well, if not better than I do, that you attract trouble like white on rice." Jack said impatiently, stuffing a pair of jeans into her bag.

"Still, though. Don't you think something could have happened? Someone somewhere pulled strings to get my old unit here with me. You don't think that's cause to worry? And why didn't you pack last night?" Alex was sitting on Jack's bed, looking every bit the petulant child.

Two hours earlier, Jack had come running down the stairs, hurrying from one spot in the house to another, trying to get the last details of her trip ironed out. When she noticed the soldiers sitting on the couch, she paused, curiosity overriding the need to get coffee. When she heard why they were there, she shrugged, told Alex to suck it up, and then went to get her coffee.

Now, two hours later, Alex sat on her bed, complaining.

Jack chucked him under the chin. "Alex, something may have happened, but I'm just glad that someone is taking measures to protect you. For once." Jack grumbled the last bit, victoriously shoving a shirt in the bag then zipping it up. She sat back on her heels, moving a strand of bright red hair from her face. She sighed, hands on hips, and studied her ward for a minute. "That being said, you _will _behave. Don't give these guys too much of a bad time. Who knows? You might just enjoy it."

Alex snorted, but didn't say anything further, just walked downstairs with Jack. As he waved goodbye from the doorway, watching Jack's taxi disappear around a corner, Alex heard the men inside talking and laughing.

Smirking, Alex pulled out his phone and speed-dialed his best friend.

* * *

**So, I changed Tom to a girl (Fiona).**


	2. In Which We Need A Bathroom

**Disclaimer: I no own. **

"So, let me get this crooked." Fiona said in her usual disregard of acceptable norms. She pushed her bangs out of her eyes and tilted her head at Alex. "You want to prank a bunch of SAS men, even though they could probably kill us and make it look like an accident?" Alex nodded affirmation.

About half an hour earlier, Fiona strolled into the Rider house with her (also usual) flare of being forever comfortable no matter the situation. She and Alex minutely disappeared upstairs before any of K Unit managed to see the brunette.

Now, Alex sat on his bed, facing the door, while Fiona paced across his bedroom. She stopped in front of him, and cocked an eyebrow.

"Got any ideas?" This was why he loved her.

* * *

"Do any of you know who is with Cub right now?" Wolf asked curiously, after two hours had gone by since Alex had gotten the door, and not one peep has come from upstairs.

"No," Otter muttered grumpily, slouched in his chair. Wolf gave him a dry look. After Snake and Eagle said they didn't know who Cub was with, Wolf turned back to Otter.

"Problem, Otter?" Wolf asked, knowing very well what the problem was. Otter had, after all, complained the entire time between receiving their orders, and standing on Cub's front stoop.

Otter, knowing his leader was being sarcastic, only turned back to the soccer game on the TV. After Cub's guest—whoever they were—had been let in, they had moved into the living room.

"It's just," Otter finally said, not having been able to keep his protests to himself for long. "He's a _kid._ Why in the hell is MI6 taking such an interest?" Otter meant the question to come out seriously, but was unable to completely rid himself of the whiny tone.

Wolf was immediately back in the French Alps, watching Cub snowboard. On a moving train. On an _ironing board._ As much as it pained him to think, Cub wasn't just a kid. Before, the last time Wolf had seen him was in the airport hangar. That had been about two months before Point Blanc. As much as he didn't want to think it, he considered that Cub had been doing much more in the last year.

No one responded to Otter's nearly rhetorical question.

"Hey." Eagle hopped up from his position on the floor. He walked over to the entertainment center, and picked up a picture frame. He stood, studying the picture a moment, before walking back over to the couch and saying, "I wonder who these people are."

Despite being SAS, they were still human, and they were curious about their temporary ward (more than any of them would admit). They crowded around Eagle to study the picture.

In it, a young woman was standing outside, holding an infant. Next to her, a man in an SAS uniform stood, shoving another man, who had his head thrown back, laughing. The woman stood, with one hand on her hip, looking like she was scolding the SAS man.

The SAS men observed that the two men looked very similar, probably brothers. All three were blond, but the SAS man looked the most like Cub.

_Probably his father,_ they all thought without knowing it. The baby must be Cub, the woman his mother, and the other man his uncle.

Eagle put the picture back, all wondering where these obvious relatives of the enigma upstairs were.

* * *

Fiona sighed, hands on hips, and silently argued with Alex on the best way to do this.

"But if we do the chickens first-," Alex cut her off.

"Fiona, where are we going to get chickens?" He asked, trying to point out the obvious flaw. Fiona only huffed stubbornly, and replied with, "There are ways" in an ominous tone.

Alex only sighed and rubbed his face. It was noon, and he could feel his stomach voicing this insistently.

Fiona looked down at Alex's stomach, and a perfectly even smile came over her face. Alex knew that meant she either was trying (and succeeding) to look innocent, or had come up with a plan in which (assuming she was caught) she'd need to look innocent.

"What?" Alex asked, only slightly nervous. Fiona's smile turned into her honest one, dimples in both cheeks, the left corner higher than the right.

* * *

"Hi." A soft voice came from the men's left, and as one, they turned to stare at the tiny girl standing nervously at the bottom of the staircase.

"Hey!" Eagle bounced up, and Wolf rolled his eyes slightly. Eagle always acted like a toddler on a sugar high when they were off-duty, something the rest of them found out too late.

The girl looked slightly taken aback by the big man suddenly invading her space, and she stared at Eagle with wide green eyes.

Wolf stood up, deciding that Eagle had stood there, bent at the waist slightly, with his face shoved in hers for long enough.

"Hello." Wolf pushed Eagle out of the way, and held out his hand for the girl to shake. She looked at it for a minute, before shaking it twice, then releasing Wolf's hand.

"My name's James." He decided that code names would be weird, and chose to go with real names. He pointed at the idiot next to him and said, "That's Drew." He pointed over his shoulders. "That's Owen." Snake nodded. "And that's Troy." Otter just stared at her, with a slightly accusing look on his face.

_Oh yes, _Fiona thought, smirking inwardly. _All guilt has just disappeared._

"Nice to meet you," Fiona tilted her head to the left slightly, and smiled a disarming smile. She watched as the men's guards went down slightly. She was a small girl, too pretty and innocent to be a threat.

_And how wrong they are, _Fiona fought the snicker.

"The name's Fiona." Her slight Irish accent came out that time, and she smiled wider. James smiled back, and Fiona's brow lifted imperceptibly. _Ooh, cute._

"So, I was gonna make some meatball subs for lunch. Would you like some?" She asked sweetly, maintaining eye contact with the hottie in front of her.

Drew started to bounce up and down, waving his hand in the air, like a little kid. Fiona turned a genuine smile on him. For a second she almost felt bad, but then she remembered that these guys weren't nice to Alex, and her resolve hardened.

"If it's not too much trouble," James said, thinking of his own growling stomach. He missed the mischievous twinkle in Fiona's eyes, before it dimmed.

"Great," She said. She turned to Snake and Otter and raised an eyebrow. They nodded, Snake with a smile, and Otter with a slightly less accusing expression.

"Uh," James voice stopped her right before the kitchen. She turned expectantly. "What were you and Alex doing up there?" He asked nervously. Fiona couldn't figure out if she wanted to frown or smirk.

On the one hand, it was funny he thought they might have been fooling around, but at the same time why does everyone assume that because she and Alex weren't the same sex they had to be _like that?_

Fiona shrugged. "Helping Alex with a project," She answered. It was technically true, but they'd assume the project was for school. "We're just friends." She added. _Unfortunately._

James nodded, looking even more awkward. Fiona turned away and rolled her eyes. _Oh yes, _she thought, smirking slightly as she got the subs ready. _This will be most satisfying._

When they were all prepared, Fiona took a bottle out of her pocket. She dropped some of the liquid on four of the subs, before closing them. She took two of the plates, and brought them out, silently cursing them for thinking they were going to be waited upon.

When all of them had their stuff, she took hers and Alex's subs upstairs, to where Alex was waiting.

He raised a brow questioningly. She smiled wide, and said, "You never told me Wolf was hot!"

Alex choked on his saliva, and gave Fiona a grossed out look.

* * *

Downstairs, about fifteen minutes after the guys finished their food, they started to feel their stomachs rebel.

James' arms wrapped tightly around his torso, his pale face pinching, as his stomach tumbled around viciously from the laxatives Fiona put in their subs. Eagle shot up, his face white, and rushed to find the bathroom. Snake and Otter quickly followed, Wolf only lasting so long out of sheer stubbornness.

Alex and Fiona crouched behind Alex's bedroom door, listening to the men stumble around and curse loudly. Snake found the bathroom on the second floor first, Wolf following in the master bedroom. Eagle and Otter ran around, trying to find another bathroom, before banging on the doors of the only two bathrooms.

Fiona and Alex snickered, high fived, slinked across the room, and slipped out the window. They laughed all the way to Fiona's place.

**Woohoo! Second chapter! Hope you like!**


	3. In Which We Find No Sexy Cajun

**Disclaimer: I don't own Alex Rider.**

* * *

Wolf leaned back on the couch, his face pale and sweaty. The rest of K Unit was in a similar state, spread out around the living room.

The last twenty-four hours had been awful, and they still felt it. Wolf was cursing Fiona and Alex—sure that he had something to do with this as well.

"I'm going to kill those two." Wolf declared into the exhausted silence. Eagle moved his head slightly, looking up at Wolf from his position on the floor.

"I'll help." He muttered half-heartedly. Snake grunted, presumably in agreement, and Otter just lay on the loveseat, forehead furrowed in what looked like intense concentration.

"I wonder when they'll be back?" He asked of no one in particular. Wolf's shoulders twitched, in the most of a shrug as he could make at the moment.

"Dunno. But they better be prepared to die." Wolf didn't sound at all convincing. He really didn't care at the moment. He was too uncomfortable to think about revenge just yet.

Obviously unknown to K Unit, Alex and Fiona were already back.

They were upstairs, laying back on Alex's bed, and talking quietly about whatever they felt like. They didn't get a chance to do this often, and they relished the chance every time it came up.

"But I was all, Nooo, I did _not _see where the frog went. Even though it went into Chastity's boot." Fiona regaled Alex. Alex was shaking the bed with his silent chuckles, completely believing that Fiona would lie about something like that, just to see what chaos ensued.

"Hey, probably we should start on math?" Alex suggested after he caught his breath. He wasn't very enthusiastic about his idea, but they both had homework to take care of. Fiona grumbled next to him, before crawling over him, being purposefully clumsy to annoy him. He gave her a mock glare as she crossed the room to her bag.

Sticking her tongue out at him as she walked back, Fiona hopped back on the bed. She set her math book in front of her, and stared at it with an intense look.

Alex watched her, feeling a laugh bubble in his throat.

"Fee, no matter how hard you stare at it, it will not incinerate." Alex told her.

"Sh! You're going to break my concentration!" Fiona said, still staring at the book. Alex watched her for another minute.

"What do you think they're doing?" He asked. He smiled when Fiona threw up her hands, and then put her face in them, muttering loudly, "And it's gone!"

He chuckled, before sitting up.

"Seriously, Fee, what do you think they're doing?" Alex asked bumping shoulders with her, smiling as she pushed him.

"Dunno. Don't really care, either. Hey, do you think Mr. Donovan would notice if I torched my math book?" Fiona asked, looking at the book from the corner of her eye.

Alex shook his head and stood up.

"Fee, I don't think that's a good idea." Alex walked to the door, gestured for Fiona to be quiet, then opened the door a little bit to listen.

Downstairs, Wolf, Snake, and Otter were glaring at Eagle, who was insisting they watch _Dora the Explorer._

Alex stifled a snicker and closed the door again.

Fiona sat on the bed, absently doing equations. "Well?" She asked, not looking up.

"Eagle wants to watch _Dora._" Alex chuckled quietly, and flopped down on the bed next to Fiona.

For about half an hour they did homework (in between throwing scrap paper at each other in the Ultimate Battle of Wolverine VS. Gambit), before Fiona declared a temporary alliance because she was hungry.

"Hmm, all right," Alex stated playfully. "I suppose we can call a time out, though I still hold that I was going to win." Fiona snorted.

"In your dreams, Bay-bee." Fiona separately pronounced the syllables of "baby". "Gambit can _so_ kick Wolverine's cat-suit covered booty!" Fiona opened the door to the bedroom, and the teens fell silent as they crept down the stairs.

Eagle was duct taped to the recliner, gagged, while the rest watched a game. Alex and Fiona comically tip-toed toward the kitchen.

"Hey!" Wolf bolted upright, his face turning the shade of Fiona's red Converse high tops in about two seconds. He stomped over to them, and rather than running, they only observed that he still seemed uncomfortable.

Fiona smiled brightly up into Wolf's face, but he wasn't falling for it this time. He snatched her left arm and Alex's right, and marched them to the couch.

Throwing the little brats onto the couch, Wolf stood before them, glowering. He knew his unit was doing the same, even Eagle.

In the back of his mind, he knew that they were being far too cooperative, but he ignored it, and focused on trying not to actually lunge at the two in front of him.

Snake was at his elbow, frowning in disappointment at the two, but they didn't seem too affected. Otter was behind Snake, arms crossed, glaring like he only needed the slightest provocation to attack them.

Eagle sat in the chair, arms and legs duct taped to the upholstery, a strip over his mouth, and sporting ruffled hair and several bruises.

"What the hell were you two thinking?!" Wolf bellowed. Wolf has been known to make grown men (outside of his unit) wet their pants when he was only a little pissed off. The fact that two teenagers didn't even flinch when he was clearly ready to do some damage was a bit of a blow to his ego.

He pushed the feeling aside, and concentrated.

"Do you have any idea what could have happened while we were incapacitated, you—you," The word Wolf wanted to use was not appropriate, so he scrambled for a minute. "Rogues!" He finished.

He and the rest of the unit were completely baffled when the two started laughing hysterically.

They meant to hold it in. They really did. But, it was just too funny, given the conversation they had just been having.

When Fiona gained her breath, she said to the gaping soldiers (who have never before seen _anyone _laugh in the face of Wolf's fury), managing to instill a little indignation, "I'm sorry, do I have white hair? And—yup," Fiona looked around the living room. "There's no sexy Cajun following me around. Which, by the way, happens to be the most disappointing part of this entire thing," Fiona pouted. She was completely serious, but she couldn't help but continue to laugh at the looks on K Units faces.

K Unit could do nothing but watch in wonderment as the two teens dissolved into laughter again.

* * *

**I don't own X-Men either. **


	4. In Which We Find Out More About Fee

**Disclaimer: I don't own Alex Rider or any affiliated characters.**

Fiona, shrouded in the shadows provided by the oak tree, sat perched on the closest branch next to her best friend's second story guest room window.

Even though Alex deemed it unnecessary, Fiona was decked out in camouflaged pants and shirt, her face smeared with paint, and a dark green knit hat covering her head. Considering that Fiona had green eyes and brown hair, she blended in perfectly.

In her hand, she held a vial. One of the SAS (she thought it was Eagle) was in the bathroom, showering. Through the closed bathroom window (which happened to be right next to the one she was in front of), she could hear the tone-deaf strains of "_Row, Row, Row Your Boat_". Rolling her eyes slightly, she crept forward on the branch, carefully not making any sound.

Reaching out to open the window, she froze when Eagle abruptly quit singing. She wondered if maybe he was done, and that she should probably scram before he saw her. But before she could come to a decision about the best way from the tree (because even though she'd done this millions of times, a speedy retreat with a naked SAS solider threatening various bodily harm was slightly more daunting), Eagle started singing again. This time "_Do It Like A Dude*_".

Feeling highly disturbed, but unwilling to give up the opportunity, Fiona again reached for the window, this time managing to open it.

Tentatively, she peered around, making sure that she couldn't see Eagle. No, she couldn't. The bathroom door was closed. She could sure as hell hear him, but that was easily ignored in favor of concentrating on the task at hand.

She slipped inside silently, a skill she'd long developed before Alex became a spy. She had no need to search the room for what she was looking for. On the bed, folded neatly, lay Eagle's clothes.

Fiona darted over, and with not-surprisingly practiced moves, unfolded the clothes enough to spray the liquid in the vial, the noise covered by the running water and Eagle's atrocious singing.

Then, with ease, she refolded the clothes, and darted back out the way she came, the highly trained and deadly man in the shower singing "_The Best of Both Worlds*_" none the wiser.

Thirty minutes later, Eagle started scratching.

It wasn't noticeable at first. Just a little itch, here, a scratch, there. A scratch on the nose, a gentle scraping of the bluntly cut finger nails on the chest.

Then, Eagle was going nuts, scratching all over his back and chest, cringing, while his unit watched in stupefied horror. After all, Eagle had always been the most immature of the bunch, but this was a little odd, even for him.

It was Snake who first realized that the kids must have pulled another prank. Running up to the room he was sharing with Wolf, he searched his bags until he found the latex gloves.

Hurrying back down the stairs, he found Eagle on the floor, almost convulsing as he tried to scratch the irritation into submission. Wolf and Otter just watched, not entirely sure what was going on.

Snake snapped on a pair of gloves, then jumped on Eagle. He pulled his shirt away a bit at the neck and tried to make out the rash* he could see beyond the scratches Eagle inflicted.

Unbeknownst to the baffled unit, Alex and Fiona sat on the landing, quaking with silent laughter, somehow having gone unnoticed by the unit medic.

They scurried back into Alex's room, shutting the door silently behind them. Fiona collapsed on the floor, convulsing, much like Eagle had, only for a vastly different reason.

"_Oh._" Fee gasped. Alex was shaking against the door, red-faced. He stumbled over to her, and plopped down next to her.

Fiona was still wearing a pair of camouflage cargo pants, but had taken off the shirt to reveal a loose white tank top underneath. On her chest, jumping and twitching with Fiona's staggered breath, lay dog tags.

Alex rolled over onto his elbows, glancing at his best friend that lay, finally calming down, to his left. He felt the familiar twinge in his chest when he looked at Fiona's brother's old dog tags. He swallowed, remembering the night Fiona stumbled into his bedroom in an uncharacteristically clumsy manner. Remembering her broken eyes as she told him her brother's car had been found in a ditch by her house.

The taste in his mouth was bitter as he remembered that Fiona was better at pretending to be okay than he was.

Fiona, realizing the Alex wasn't sharing the mirth anymore, turned to look at him, only to find him staring at her chest.

If he were anyone else, she'd have punched him. Had it been for the reason she'd have liked, she would have been flattered that he was finally noticing that she was, in fact, female. But the look on his face left no doubt what his thoughts were about, and without thinking about it, her hand closed around the tags that she hadn't taken off since her brother's death. She shifted closer to Alex's warmth, grateful that he immediately wrapped an arm around her.

They lay on the floor, curled platonically around each other. If they weren't both thinking about Fiona's brother, she would have been grouching about the fact that this _was_ so platonic. Fiona often wondered if Alex would ever see her as something other than the four year old girl who tackled him when he accidently hit her with a ball at the park.

Before long, the two heard four sets of boots stomping up the stairs, and they made quick work of getting up, and scrambling to the school books they had left strategically on Alex's bed.

They looked up in fake surprise when the door to Alex's bedroom slammed open, four pissed off soldiers standing in the doorway.

Alex's and Fiona's eyes shone with innocence. The soldiers weren't buying.

"Okay." Eagle bit out. "Who snuck into my bedroom and put _talcum powder_ in my shirt?" Alex and Fiona blinked in confusion and shared a look that they didn't bother concealing from the soldiers. The look clearly said, "_Can these guys get anymore nuts?_" This only served to infuriate the soldiers more.

Fiona let out a startled yelp when Eagle suddenly crossed the room and shoved his face into hers again. Except, this time, it wasn't in an overly-eager-happy-puppy kind of way. It was in I've-faced-terrorists-teenage-girls-don't-scare-me kind of way. Though if had any sense he'd be more scared of teenage girls than terrorists, as Fiona knew all too well what _those _were like when they didn't like you.

Eagle lifted a finger and wiped it down the side of her face. He pulled it away and looked down at the face paint smeared there (she must have missed some when she wiped it off). He raised his eyes and glared at her.

Scoffing, Fiona wiped at her face, saying, "Please. That's hardly conclusive." Eagle straightened, still glaring. "Besides, what makes you think it was talcum powder? Or us, for that matter?"

This time Wolf answered. "Because who else would do it?" And, the two had to admit, while this reasoning wouldn't hold up in court, it was definitely logical _here._ "And what do you mean? What else could it have been?" All of them seemed interested about what else could have caused the same epidermal havoc.

"Water mixed with talcum powder." Fiona admitted. She grinned at the looks on the soldiers faces. "What?"

Snake looked completely baffled. "You said it wasn't talcum powder."

Fiona tsked, looking like your favorite teacher does when they're disappointed in you. "I asked what made you think it was talcum powder. I didn't say it wasn't, and technically, it wasn't. Not in _powder_ form, anyway." Fiona's lips curled into a self-satisfied grin. The soldiers then decided it was best to just go down stairs to plan out the punishment, because, quite frankly, that grin was worrisome.

As the door closed behind them, Fiona and Alex shared another look, and then, like all friends when they look at each other after something funny happened, gave into the giggles bubbling in their throats.

* * *

***I don't know if talcum powder results in a rash.**

***Jessie J**

***Hannah Montana**


	5. In Which We Have Background

**Disclaimer: **_**Fan**_**fiction. **_**Fan.**_** Yeah. I don't think I own.**

* * *

"It was so. . ._military!_" Fiona snapped out, wiping vigorously at an old ice cream stain on the counter top. Alex was perched on a stool, on the other side, shoveling pistachio ice cream into his mouth. He smirked, listening to Fiona describe their punishment from the SAS men to her co-worker.

"It, like, sounds like it!" Lucy Banks agreed, scooping strawberry ice cream into a cone and handing it to a little boy with a smile. "Enjoy!" She turned back to Fiona. "What, have they watched too many movies?"

The explanation was, of course, given without certain details. Like what the men did for a living. And how exactly _they_ became Alex's temporary guardians.

Alex watched in fascination as Fiona mixed chocolate chip ice cream and bubble gum ice cream for a customer. She did it without looking, instead carrying on a conversation with Lucy and the customer, while still managing to scold a boy for nearly tipping the contents of a packet of sugar down the back of his sisters' shirt.

"I _know!_" Fiona exclaimed, giving the gross mix of ice cream to the customer, smiling charmingly, and giving the boy who was about to give Operation Sugar another go a glare. "Seriously. _Scrubbing the kitchen floor with a tooth brush?_ It was just itching powder!" Fiona's cheeks tinted red at the injustice of the punishment. "And it doesn't end there! Oh no! I'm not allowed over at Alex's _for a week!"_ Alex frowned as he remembered that part of the conversation following K Unit's departure from his room.

"_Alright," Wolf clapped his hands and stared at the devious little brats in front of him. "We've decided that as punishment, you two must scrub the kitchen floor to cleaning-supply-commercial shine—with toothbrushes. And Fiona's not allowed over for a week." K Unit all stepped back from where they stood in front of the two, as Fiona and Alex shot upwards, the incredulous exclamation of, "WHAT!" falling from their lips._

_They stared indignantly at the men, who held firm. _

"_You heard us." Wolf said, paying no mind to the admittedly impressive glare from Fiona._

"_But-but," Fiona spluttered, Alex settling for a stony glare._

"_No buts," Snake reprimanded, unable to help the thought, _God, I sound like my _parents._

_Fiona growled, stomping upstairs to get a toothbrush._

"But I got my revenge," Fiona smiled. "I used James' toothbrush." She said this with such childish glee that Alex couldn't help but share an amused smile with her. It quickly fell off though at Lucy's next words.

"You said James was the cute one?"

It was replaced by a disgusted frown.

Fiona shrugged, surreptitiously looking at Alex. He didn't notice. He was too busy looking grossed out into his almost empty ice cream bowl. "They're all cute. I just think James is the cutest." Alex's frown got deeper. Considering the fact that Wolf was his biggest tormentor at Beacons, he wasn't exactly thrilled that his best friend seemed to think he was the most attractive.

Fiona, sensing this, leaned over the counter slightly while Lucy was busy, and whispered, "Sabina."

Alex's frown instantly smoothed as Fiona gave him a pointed look. He looked down guiltily. When Fiona found out that Alex had only known Sabina a few weeks and told her about the MI6 thing, when it took Alex months to tell his best friend (and only then it was because he needed her to cover for him), she stopped talking to him for several days. It didn't help that she hadn't even know _about_ Sabina until she texted while Alex was in the bathroom and Fiona saw the caller ID.

He was pulled from his thoughts as Lucy finally responded to Fiona.

"Then why did you use _his _toothbrush?" Fiona shrugged again, a wry smile teasing the corners of her lips.

"I said he was cute—not that I liked him." Lucy "oh"ed and nodded, like she knew exactly what Fiona was talking about.

Alex rolled his eyes and returned to frowning at his ice cream. He suddenly found that he didn't have much appetite for it.

* * *

A few hours later saw Alex frowning down at his English homework. Fiona usually helped him with it, but since she wasn't here, he saw it fit to pester the soldiers in his living room with it.

He exited his room, rolling his eyes at the sound of the men's guffaws at something on TV.

_They certainly are more cheery than they were during Brecon Beacons, _Alex thought. But then he shrugged and came to the conclusion that the training would suck the life out of anything (except Wolf's temper), so he shouldn't be surprised that they're different.

"Hey," He called attention to himself at the bottom of the stairs. The men turned to him with raised brows. Their ward had not been heard from since he got back earlier. "Any of you good at English?"

Wolf snorted. "What, you can do algebra problems in your head, but you can't ace the class centered around your first language?"

"Well," Alex pursed his lips thoughtfully. "English class is completely different from the English language.

"Besides," He continued, giving the men a stare that somehow managed to be both innocent and accusing at the same time. They were thoroughly convinced that he learned this expression diversity from Fiona. "I usually have Fiona to help me."

Wolf felt the stirrings of suspicion. Judging by the expressions on his team mates faces', they felt the same. Except Snake. Snake also looked a little confused.

"Fiona is good at English? She seems more of the art type, to me." Distractedly, the rest of K Unit nodded and otherwise mumbled agreement.

"Yeah. English is her best subject." Alex gave them an odd look. "She can talk circles around politicians. The obscurities and abstractness of the English language of present day and yesteryear don't baffle her half as much as the rest of the population."

Well, when you put it like that, it really does make more sense.

"So, help?" Alex repeated, waving his book in the air.

Eagle patted the seat next to him. "C'mon. English was my best subject." He waved Alex over impatiently when he hesitated, looking to the other members of K Unit to collaborate. They nodded, smiling slightly at Alex's now disbelieving face, while Eagle looked more than a little disgruntled.

"Why is that so hard to believe?" He asked, then didn't let anyone answer, starting in on a lecture that made so much more sense than the teacher's about objects of prepositions.

* * *

A while later, Alex had his schoolwork once again under control, and sat in the living room, conversing surprisingly pleasantly with K Unit.

"So, how did you all get here again? I thought they separated you once you were done with training." Wolf nodded.

"They do. After Fox was binned," Here Alex smirked, which none of the unit paid attention to. They figured he was glad, considering how nasty the original four had been to him. "They replaced him with Otter, here." He gestured to the red head, who took over.

"The rest of my unit was binned. We finished training together, then they broke us up for our different assignments. Which is technically what this is; an assignment. They just put us together. We only call it a K Unit reunion because we trained together." Alex nodded, knowing that the fact that three-fourths of his old training unit were here wasn't a coincidence.

In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if Ben _did _show up.

* * *

**Woot! Another chapter.**

**Okay. Some of you may have read I Don't Really Like You. I took it down. It broke one of the rules concerning copying work that wasn't in the public domain, and I would like to spread the warning to those of you actually bothering to read this bit.**

**READ THE RULES AND GUIDELINES **_**THOROUGHLY.**_

**My cheeks are still warm from the embarrassment of the whole thing.**

**Hoped you liked this chapter. You'll notice I gave you background on K Unit? **


	6. In Which We Finally Have The Chickens

**Disclaimer: Hear ye, hear ye. *clears throat* I don't own Alex Rider!**

* * *

Alex awoke the next morning to girlish shrieks coming from the SAS men's rooms.

Also, clucking.

Alex rolled his eyes and threw on a shirt, before exiting his room, ignoring the men still stumbling around their rooms, and went to the kitchen where he knew he'd find Fiona.

Fiona sat at the table sipping a cup of coffee (Jack's influence). She smiled brightly at Alex, gesturing to the pot.

He poured himself a cup before sitting down next to Fiona and raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know what's more troubling: the fact that you managed to find chickens or that you got them into rooms housing SAS without them knowing about it." Alex said, pouring a few teaspoons of sugar into his coffee.

Fiona shrugged, smilingly with a distinct impression of satisfaction.

"How long do you think this is going to take?" She asked, her thumbs twitching. Alex looked at her oddly.

"How long is what going to take? And why are your thumbs twitching?" He sipped the coffee, ignoring the now slightly hysterical shouting coming from upstairs.

Fiona, however, did not.

Her eyes lifted to the ceiling.

_Jeez,_ she thought. _You'd think they had never seen a chicken before._ She rolled her eyes at Eagle's voice, which was shouting for Wolf in the manner one might their mother.

"Until the soldiers quit freaking and come down." She huffed indignantly. Then she added, "My parents took away my phone. They called it 'sending a united parental disciplinary force message'." Fiona crossed her arms, pouting.

Alex raised his eyebrows.

"Really? What did you do?" He asked, sipping his coffee. The frightened and confused shouts had stopped, now replaced with the cursing and banging noises as they chased the chickens around.

"I came home from work about five minutes late, and they flipped." She sighed. "I don't know if I should be mad because they took my phone for a lousy reason, or happy that they're paying more attention to me. I think I'll do both." She said decisively, then proceeded to mutter uncomplimentary things under her breath about the men upstairs.

"I should've gotten their reactions on tape," Fiona murmured, glancing again at the ceiling. Alex started chuckling. "Seriously, Al! You'd think they were a bunch of little kids, the way they're carrying on!" Alex nodded, finishing off his coffee.

He stood to put it in the sink. "Where'd you get the chickens, anyway?" He asked, washing out his cup, then taking Fiona's and doing the same.

"I'll never tell," Fiona murmured playfully, giving Alex the look that always makes his breath catch. Fiona was oblivious to Alex mentally shaking himself out of it.

"So, what'd you do yesterday, after you left?" Fiona's thumbs stopped twitching and she faced Alex with an entirely too innocent expression. Alex squinted at her.

"Did you check my homework?" Alex finally asked incredulously. Fiona leaned back with smug look.

"Maybe. . .," She studied the look on Alex's face, then jumped up from her seat and darted out of the room, just as Alex lunged toward her.

Fiona ran around the living room, jumping around the furniture as Alex started yelling above the noise of the soldiers.

"Fiona, what did you do?!" Alex hollered, diving over the coffee table to tackle Fiona onto the couch. He started to tickle her mercilessly, straddling her legs so she couldn't escape.

With Fiona being so tiny and flexible, she was close enough to being a contortionist that extra precautions where she was concerned never hurt. As it was, Fiona was squirming and laughing, trying to loop a leg around Alex's torso to throw him off balance.

Unnoticed by the wrestling teens, four pissed off men stood on the staircase, holding squawking chickens in their arms.

"Ah-Al-Alex, I-I only cha-nged a f-few answ-answers!" Fiona squealed, trying to push Alex's hands away. "They were wr-wrong anyway!" Alex paused. Fiona breathed.

They simultaneously became aware of their audience, and turned to the staircase.

"Uh-oh." Fiona and Alex muttered together. Alex jumped off Fiona and pulled her up.

Running out the back door with the four of them on their heels, Fiona called over her shoulder, "That's what you get for-," The slamming door cut her off, and Alex decided it was for the better.

* * *

"So what did you change?" Alex asked, sitting in Fiona's desk chair.

They were at her house and going over the math problems from yesterday's homework.

"Just some stuff you got wrong about cause and effect crap." Fee sighed, giving Alex the Eye. You know the one. You've all gotten it from a girl at least once in your lives. "Why didn't you call me, rather than letting bird-brain help you?" Alex shrugged, looking vaguely sheepish.

"I needed help, and I figured homework help would be a form of torture that they couldn't avoid." The corner of Fiona's lips curled into her mouth slightly as she thought about this.

"Eh, okay. Help me with this!" She demanded, deciding to forget about the entire thing, and shoving her book toward Alex from her position on her bed.

For the next hour, Alex tried (and blatantly failed) to explain the math work to her.

"Don't look so discouraged." Alex tried to reassure her.

"But I feel like an idiot!" Fiona cried, throwing her hands backwards. She was lying on her back, Alex sitting next to her, the book in his lap.

"Fee, if math were easy, there wouldn't be so many tutoring programs*," Alex tried again.

Fiona turned her head and gave him the Eye again. "Well. Now I feel like I belong among the masses of math idiots." She snapped waspishly.

Alex's lips twitched slightly, and he tried really hard to not laugh, but Fiona really couldn't pull off mad well. Scary? Oh, definitely. But not mad. She usually ended up looking like a toddler missing her nap, but in a much less bratty, head-ache inducing way.

Fiona's fist connected with Alex's arm, causing him to tumble off the bed and for Fiona to start laughing.

"Hey," He protested, getting to his knees, and rubbing his arm. He was about to jump up onto the bed and tackle Fiona, when he heard the front door slam.

Fiona froze, the laughter fading in her throat. She stared expectantly at the corner of her room, where you'd be able to see the living room if there weren't walls and a floor in the way.

Alex was busy studying Fiona, when the first shout was heard.

"What were you doing with that-," Fiona's mom's shouting was joined by her husband's.

"What I do is none of your business-,"

"How could you do this-,"

"Just because you're paranoid, does not mean that I should be subjected to-,"

"Think of what you're doing to _your daughter!_ What kind of example are you-,"

"If Fiona had any sense she'd stay single-,"

"How can you say that!? Don't you want grandchildren? I don't know why I-,"

"Of course I want grandchildren! But unlike you I am more concerned with my daughter's happiness-,"

"How dare you!" Then the shouting was added to by the sound of things being thrown.

Fiona turned to Alex, a look in her eyes that should have never, _ever _been so familiar.

"You should probably go," She said, gesturing to her window. Alex bit his lip.

"Do you want to come over?" Fiona started shaking her head before he could finish.

"Nah." She attempted a smile. "I'll be fine. Thanks though." Alex nodded, packing his books and walking to Fiona's bay window. He stepped onto the window seat, and turned to Fee.

"If you change your mind, you know where my window is." Alex tried to say lightly. Fiona's lips formed a wavering smile. She nodded, and Alex left.

* * *

***What I say to myself.**

**I'm not satisfied with this. I hope you like it, because this was somewhat hard to write. Even though the quality, I'm sure, doesn't seem like it was.**


	7. In Which There Is Mention Of Things

**Disclaimer: I don't—Fiona, what the hell do you think you're doing?**

**Fiona: I've no clue what you're talking about, 007. Nice name by the way. *impish smirk***

**Me: Brat.**

**Fiona: Hey, you made me that way, Bay-bee.**

**Me: *mumbles under breath* And don't I regret it.**

**Fiona: What was that?**

**Me: Nothing! But, hey, since I have you here, maybe you'd like to answer a few questions?**

**Fiona: Well—**

**Me: Great! So, in regards, to what was it, oh! Chapter the Fifth, In Which We Have Background. Some people may be thinking I made you Mary-Sue-ish. Any comments?**

**Fiona: Yes. Who's Mary-Sue, and why would you eat all of my Swedish Fish?**

**Me: What? *looks around quickly for hiding spot* What Swedish Fish? And Mary-Sue is a female character that is too perfect.**

**Fiona: So, is there a male Mary-Sue?**

**Me: I've no idea. I've only been introduced to this term recently.**

**Fiona: Well, that's kind of sexist.**

**Me: True.**

**Fiona: Anyway, why would they think I was this Mary-Sue character?**

**Me: Do you remember that convo between you and Alex at work? Yes? Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I think I went a little overboard with the whole multi-tasking thing.**

**Fiona: Of **_**course**_** I can multi-task. I am a girl.**

**Alex: What does that have to do with anything?**

**Me: Alex! Butt out, Spy Wonder!**

**Fiona: You were the one who wrote him into the conversation, 007.**

**Me: . . . Moving on. . . . I do not own Alex Rider. On with the story!**

* * *

Mrs. Jones, Deputy Head of MI6, walked down the hall to her superiors' office. She wore her black hair chopped short for no apparent reason. (Those who dared suspected manageability.) Her business skirts always came down past the knee, and were so confining, that it was almost as if Mrs. Jones _waddled. _Her blouses were always made out of silk and, compared to the skirt, very loose, tightening only at the wrists, waist, and neck.

Mrs. Jones carried a vanilla folder in her hand, not too thin, but not thick enough to warrant special attention.

She raised her hand to knock on Mr. Blunts door, but before she could, a voice called for her to enter.

She obliged, stepping through, and closing the door shut softly behind her. Blunt stood next to the window, slightly off to one side.

He wore his customary gray suit and tie. His hands were clasped loosely behind his back, as he stared down at the street below.

"The file you asked for." Mrs. Jones placed it on his desk. He nodded, not looking at her.

"I've received a request for time off from Agent Daniels." Blunt barely acknowledged this information, only deigning to nod slightly. "I was wondering if you'd have any objections to granting it?" Mrs. Jones was starting to feel slightly nervous with her boss's behavior. He was usually stoic and unresponsive, but this was different.

"I don't suppose the purpose of him wanting time off would be to visit his old training unit?" Blunt asked, speaking for the first time since she had entered the office.

"It's a possibility. A strong one." Mrs. Jones agreed. Blunt still faced the window.

"The situation in Spain has gotten worse." He commented seemingly casually. But still, Mrs. Jones' head snapped toward her boss.

"Alan, you can't be serious. They are trying to kill Alex as is, we can't _send him to them_!" Mrs. Jones said, practically expressing strong emotion.

"In disguise, of course," Blunt responded almost as if she had not spoken. Mrs. Jones sighed; so his mind was made up then.

"When shall we call him in here?" She asked, almost sounding tired.

"In a few days' time," Blunt responded, still not facing her. She moved to leave the office, but before she could exit, he called, "And arrange to have Ms. Starbright stay in America for a while longer."

Had anyone asked, she would have firmly denied it, and probably would have had them brainwashed besides, but Mrs. Jones blanched at this final request. But only for a split second. Then the expression was gone, and she was walking down the hall to make arrangements.

* * *

"How're your parents?" Alex asked Jack, at around the same time as a conversation about the two of them were held in a fake bank. Jack's parents had decided to come see their grandchild, so the house was pretty crammed, with no one getting a full nights' sleep.

"They're good. Still weird as hell, of course-,"

"Well, yeah, they did have _you_,"

"Hey-,"

Both Jack and Alex started laughing, falling into the easy banter they've had since Jack had first come to live with the Riders.

"Well, I'm glad you're having fun. You really do need the vacation." Alex hid the guilt with a joke. "I was starting to worry you'd get gray hair."

Jack snorted, and started to say something, before she cut herself off and yelled at someone in the house.

"No, Mom, I told you, I don't have a boyfriend. This is Alex." Alex stood, smiling in the kitchen, as Jack's mom's voice floated through the phone: "Hi, Alex!"

"Hi, Mrs. Starbright!" Alex called back. Jack and Alex continued to chat for a few minutes in the kitchen while the soldiers all sat in the living room, watching a game.

Wolf was absentmindedly rubbing his arms, where the chickens had practically pecked and scratched all the skin off.

Eagle sat next to him on the couch, nursing a black eye. He'd dove for a chicken in the bedroom and missed, instead hitting the door.

Snake sat next to Otter, disinfecting scratches.

They were all muttering something along the lines of "Devil spawn."

They were, of course, referring to Fiona, who sat docilely in front of the coffee table, messing around on Facebook.

She listened carefully to Alex's conversation, ignoring the soldiers. Well, okay not completely. She was very satisfied with the results of her prank.

It caused mayhem. Check.

It proved to Alex that you could get chickens in London. Check.

It got the ban on Fiona revoked. Check.

And, they promised to let Fiona stay over the entire time they're here. Check, though that really wasn't part of the plan.

All they had to do in return was not pull anymore pranks. This, while unfortunate, was not earthshattering, as they could still annoy the hell out of them, made easier by the fact that Fiona was having a week and half long sleep over.

Alex eventually hung up and wandered into the living room and sat down next to Fiona, looking over her shoulder at Facebook.

"How's Jack?" Fee asked, posting a picture of her in yellow rain boots, long shorts, a plaid short-sleeved top, and red suspenders, wearing a Disney Mickey-Mouse Hat.

Alex thought she looked absolutely adorable, even though he'd never tell her that, as he enjoyed having male anatomy.

"She's good. Her parents are driving her nuts. She says her nephew is adorable, but would be even more adorable if he didn't have half of Jeremy's DNA." Fiona laughed, while the men ignored them, though they were all curious about the situation surrounding Cub.

"I don't know, I thought he looked cute." Fiona had gone to America with Jack and Alex last year and had met the newlyweds.

Alex made a face and Fiona laughed again and slapped his arm.

Just as Alex was about to tackle her, Eagle spoke up.

"How come Jack takes care of you?" His unit mates all cringed at the tactless way he asked this. Alex was blank faced, but Fiona frowned, again reminding them of a disappointed teacher they desperately wanted to please. They attributed this to her innocent looks.

Even though right now she was wearing what she called "Tripp Pants (you could hear the capitalization)" and a stomach bearing "crop top" with slit sleeves half way down her upper arm.

She still looked like a girl who could turn her big green eyes on you and make you want to give her the world.

They knew this, because she did this to get Wolf to make her eggs this morning for breakfast.

"She's the legal front MI6 uses." Alex said. He didn't offer anything other than what the question asked.

K Unit waited several seconds before deciding Alex wasn't going to continue. They also decided to take turns asking questions.

"What does that mean?" Snake asked, cutting off Wolf's less polite question. Fiona was very obviously ignoring this whole conversation, instead preferring to harass a girl in her class.

"It means that technically speaking, MI6 is my legal guardian." Alex never broke his gaze from the computer screen, but he hadn't been focusing on it. Now, he did.

"Fiona, you have got to let the juice box thing go." He counseled. Fiona rolled her lips into her mouth stubbornly.

"No, I can't just let her get away with it!" Alex rolled his eyes.

"What happened?" Eagle asked, knowing he was letting himself be distracted. Alex shook his head mournfully, knowing what was about to happen.

"This girl, Bentley, stole _my_ juice box, then spilled it all over the car and blamed _me_." Fiona huffed dramatically. The SAS men noticeably leaned back in their seats.

"Was this when you were a kid?" Wolf could have kicked himself. He thought that the look on Fiona's face made it really hard not to try and make her feel better.

Had Fiona had any idea how many times she's been thought adorable in this day alone, she'd have castrated every single male in this room.

"No, this was two months ago. But still! I mean, blaming it on someone else? How old is she?!" Fiona scoffed. The soldiers all squinted, as if trying to judge how sane she was by staring at her head. "Why are you all staring at me like that?"

"Why did you have a juice box?" Snake asked in the manner of one who came across a new species might when it did something strange.

Fiona stared at them like they were nuts.

"I was babysitting. Duh. What did you think, it was mine?" Fiona snorted, not waiting for an answer. "Bentley was the kid's older sister, who happens to be in my class and really not like me." Alex was ignoring this whole conversation, instead staring at the ceiling. The men looked mildly sheepish.

To change the subject, Wolf asked Cub, "Why is MI6 your guardian?" Alex and Fiona simultaneously gave him a look that made him feel stupid. Let me tell you, being made to feel stupid by people several years younger than you is no great feeling.

"Because my family's dead," Alex said slowly.


End file.
